Quickly Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone.
After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move. That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.
The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him. The man quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relieved to finally have some company.
Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be more...

(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345

Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I more...

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The
functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually
found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of
a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the
other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes
slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is
thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often
quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening
in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting
from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves
behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need
cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long
glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and
cleansing liquids more...

Two Indians and a redneck were stolling through the woods, when suddenly one of the Indians ran up a hill to the opening of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave, and then listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He quickly tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
Puzzled, the redneck asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then, they spotted another cave. The Indian ran up to the mouth of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep within the cave. He quickly tore off his clothes and ran into more...

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy? ”
The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ‘em doubles. ”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doin’ all this drinking.
“You’d drink ‘em this fast too if you had what I have. ”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal? ”
The man quickly replies, “I only have a dollar. ”

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof distain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly more...

Once, a man at an amusement park had to use the bathroom so bad that he couldn't wait for the long line to the men's room. He asked if he could use the girl's bathroom quickly since it wasn't occupied. A female worker said that he could use it only if he did it quickly and didn't push any of the 3 buttons in the bathroom. The man went in and enjoyed a piss, hurried and washed his hands, but became curious of what the letters above the 3 buttons meant. He pushed and found out by pushing the first button labeled "WW" that it meant warm water. He enjoyed the warm water on his genital so he pushed the second button that said "BP". Baby powder blew out of a hole and powdered his below. Then, there was one more button that said "ATR". The man thought that the first two were nice, so he pushed the button. This one hurt so bad that he passed out. When he woke up in hospital, he noticed that his Willie was missing. The lady that worked at the amusement park more...