Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a priest and rabbi who became close friends over many years, and they'd often have lunch together. One day, the rabbi almost ate the priest's ham sandwich, which made the two of them laugh. Then, the priest got a serious look on his face.
"Can I ask you a serious question?" he asked.
"Sure," said the rabbi, "we're good friends."
"Have you ever eaten pork?"
The rabbi paused. "Yes, I have. I was touring the world, and I had stopped in China. A group of locals brought me home for dinner, even though I couldn't speak the language and they didn't speak English. They were very proud of the main course, which was roasted pig. I couldn't tell them it was against my religion, and I didn't want to offend them, so I ate it. I'm sure the lord forgives me, because I was working hard to present a friendly image of his people. Now, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, you've been honest with me." says the more...

A rabbi loved to play golf, but he never seemed to have time. He couldn't play on Shabbat, there was religious school on Sundays, and on days off, something always comes up. But, amidst all the activity of the High Holidays, he got a very early tee time before services on Yom Kippur.A passing angel saw him and reported to the Lord. "I'll take care of him," was the casual response, and the angel hurried back to the golf course to watch.On the next hole, the rabbi got a hole in one.Baffled, the angel returned to question the Lord. "Weren't you going to punish him for playing golf on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar?" the angel asked. "He just got a hole in one!""I know," replied the Lord. "But who can he tell?"

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don' t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.' Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy underwear."
The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear my son, you're going to get screwed."

A rabbi on a TV program mentioned that he had compiled a list of
four hundred sins. He received millions of requests for his list,
mostly from people who wanted to find out what they were missing.
-Sam Levenson

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the restroom. He walks up to the bartender,
and asks "Can I please use the restroom?" The place was hoppin' with music, and
dancin', till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, "I really don't think you
should."
The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the restroom?" Well, the
bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there
is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by
that statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the
stairs.
The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came
back out, and the whole place was hoppin' with music and dancin' again! He went
to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the
place was hoppin' with music more...

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning.
Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck"
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced: "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."

An unmarried Rabbi is on an empty train when a sexy, beautiful woman walks into his empty carriage, carrying a foot long, BLT, Subway sandwich and proceeds to sit down opposite him.
After twenty minutes of emabarrasingly trying to avoid looking at the sexy woman opposite the train comes to a sudden halt and a voice comes over the speakers explaining that the Five Minute Warning has just gone off and that soon the UK will be under nuclear attack.
Shocked at this dreadful and sudden news the Rabbi's thoughts quickly turn to the fact that he will probably be dead within the next five minutes. However instead of taking comfort from his faith and religious training he begins to consider all the things he never did and all the experiences he missed out on due to the religious life he chose to lead.
He quickly realises that he is going to die a virgin too, as he is quite a young Rabbi and he never married. Feeling close to despair at this thought and all the other opportunities more...