Railroad Jokes / Recent Jokes
Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. Iam tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. Ithink the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people2, 000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter withreference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you aresomewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation2, 000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who areconfused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book ofDavid, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on hisass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do onyour train in the last two years. Your truly, A Commuter
Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
"Man," the Chinese man says. "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
"Man," the Italian says. "If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
"Man," the redneck says. "If I get another ham 'n' cheese sandwich in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybody's crying.
"This is all my fault!" says the Chinese man's wife. "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
"This is all my fault!" says the Italian's wife. "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He packed his own lunch."
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell more...
A wealthy chinaman suspected his wife of being unfaithful to him and hired a prominent chinese detective to watch his wife; the following is his report:
DETECTIVE'S REPORT
You leave house
I watch house
Man come to house
Man ring door bell
Wife open door
Man go in house
Man and your wife leave house
They go railroad station
I go railroad station
They go on train
I go on train
They get off train
I get off train
They go to hotel
I go to hotel
They go inside
I no go inside
I climb tree outside window
He undress she
She undress he
He play with she
She play with he
I play with me
I fall out of tree
I no see
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever more...
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And more...
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to more...