Railroad Jokes / Recent Jokes

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I more...

One day, a train collided with a car and pushed it almost 500 yards down the tracks before coming to a stop. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the driver of the car sued the railroad company. At the trial, the train engineer was a key witness. Prior to taking the stand, the lawyer gave him standard advice: tell the truth, but volunteer nothing during cross-examination.

When on the stand, the engineer testified that he waved his lantern back and forth before the crash, and even demonstrated how he had done it. During cross-examination, the lawyer asked him how long he had waived the lantern, and the engineer stated that he had waved it for a full minute. During closing arguments, the railroad lawyer argued persuasively that this was certainly ample to give the driver notice, and the jury returned a verdict in favor of the railroad.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer aftward, noting, "You did a great job during more...

When a farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from a field through which a railroad passed, he filed suit against the railroad company. A big-city lawyer was called in by the company and immediately tried to get the farmer to settle out of court. The farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success.

He said to the farmer, "I hate to tell you this, but I couldn't have won the case. I didn't have one witness."

The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I was a little worried myself. That darn cow came home this morning!"

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the more...

Tipper Gore discovered that her husband`s great great uncle, Gunther Gore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889. The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther Gore; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889." After letting President Clinton`s large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al`s campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther`s picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press: "Gunther Gore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business more...

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:
"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.
Next, we rewrite the text:
"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana more...

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that more...