Rats Jokes / Recent Jokes

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it." "At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon more...

Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don’t get as attached to them.

One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Response:

C’mon Guys! That’s only half the joke about researchers, lab rats and lawyers. There are four, well-known reasons why researchers prefer lawyers to rats:

1. Lawyers are more plentiful. (You got this one.)

2. They are easier to train.

3. Researchers don’t get attached to them. (You got this one, too.)

4. There are some things a rat won’t do.

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1, 998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to more...

A Collection of Lawyer Jokes



An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the more...

Wuz de night befo Crismus
An all ober de hood
Everybody wuz sleepin'
Day wuz sleepin' good.
Everbody wuz sleepin'
all tight in they beds
Whilst Thunderbird Wine
Danced in they heads
I was passed out on de flo
Right next to my Ma
When I heard such a fuss
I thinked "It must be de law!!"
I looked out tru de barz
dat covered my do
Spectin' de sherif
with a warrant fo sho!
Now ober de years
Sanny Claws, he be white.
But it lookin' like us bros
got a black Sanny dis night
Now what I did see
made me say "LAWD Lood at dat!"
It was a huge watermellon cadi
pulled by dwarf rats
Faster than a po-lice car
True de air he came
an whupped up on dem warf rats
an called emm by name.
On Leroy, on Kendrick,
On Jontarious Lee, on Falacious
They was a sight to see
He didn't go down no chimbly
-just picked de lock on my do'
An I says to more...