Reach Jokes / Recent Jokes

Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
Open door and remove cat from closet.
Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc...
Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
Remove present from bag.
Remove cat from bag.
Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat more...

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate"The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And we'd go home. That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. more...

Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Obstruction A cat must lay on more...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to rob a bank one day. After doing this the cops were right on their tails. The redhead sees a boat and says to the others " hey lets hop in this boat and go to that island out there!" The others agree.
When they reach the island they see the cops doing the same and heading for the island. The blonde sees some crates and gets in one. The other do the same. The cops reach the island and go up to the crates. they knock on the first which was were the brunette was "woof woof" says the brunette. just a dog say the cops. they move on. the second contained the redhead when they knock they hear "meow meow". just a cat say the cops. they move on. the third of coarse contained the blonde. they knock and the blonde shouts POTATOES!!!

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

'Honey,' she signs,' Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,' Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.'

'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis..........fifty times'

I got this off of another mailing list, and though you do have to be somewhat familiar with Depeche Mode's music in order to fully appreciate this, I thought I would forward it anyway...
-Dan Aeschliman
Statement of Thesis
(sung to the tune of Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus)
Your own statement of thesis
Something to help you write
Something of might
Your own statement of thesis
Something to help you write
Something you'll spite
Feeling depressed
When you take the test
You may just snap
'Cause you just write crap
Don't forget your bluebook
The proctors give you dirty looks
Taking the test
Of issues addressed
Things on your chest
They can't be repressed
I will be prudent
I'm only a student
Reach out and touch page
Reach out and touch page
Your own statement of thesis...
Feeling depressed
When you take the test
You may just snap
'Cause you just write crap
Don't forget your more...

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely more...