Ready Jokes / Recent Jokes

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!" All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away. Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells "HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!" and gets shot.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless more...

Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later. Prefers three left turns to one right turn. Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere. Produces a zero-length core dump. Proof God has a sense of humor. Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying. Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway. Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle. Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third. Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk. Reads her newspaper back-to-front. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek. Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton. Ready to join the Anti-Mensa more...

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her.' Don't let me spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed. After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself,' I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and more...

One Sunday afternoon, a drunk stumbles into a baptismal service down by the river. He staggers into the water and stands next to the minister, who turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the minister asks.
"No, I didn't!" says the drunk.
The minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" says the drunk again.
Disgusted, the minister holds the man under for at least thirty seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven' til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He more...

What women say.... ..What they mean... ------------------------------------------------------------------- Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I just need some space. ..without you in it Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me. Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boy- friend now I don't know; what do you want to I can't believe that you have do? nothing planned Come here My puppy does this too I like you but... I don't like you You never listen You never listen We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will. Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no way I am going more...