Realize Jokes / Recent Jokes
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans... we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.(It's more like Splat!)
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves... and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" more...
To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.
To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage labourer.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.
To realize the value of ONE MICRO-SECOND
Ask a NASA scientist.
To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND
Ask a Hardware Engineer.
And if you still don't realize the value of time you must be
a Software Engineer!!!
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can`t find the key and doesn`t know when to come in.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.
Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
A: She was known as the deep C diva.
Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
Ever hear the one more...
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?...
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle more...
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer- contractor of his plans to leave the house- building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter.
This is your house, he said, my gift to you.
The carpenter was shocked! What a shame!
If he had only known he was building his own, he would have done it all so differently.
We do the most of the things having such thoughts in our mind. But we more...
Did you ever realize that our current Vice President (As of year 2000) is a Dick?
Do you realize the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you are going to be 16.And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony...
YOU BECOME 21YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30... then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away!!! more...