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My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months.
I want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and a very
prosperous New Year.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes,
because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheist bastards who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could more...
American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the AmericanUniversity grade their final exams:DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, closethem and turn them in. The professor opens the books andassigns the first grade that comes to mind.DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year.DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God.DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why theyshould receive an A.DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable.DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final andthe student has accumulated a passing grade then the studentwill receive an A else the student will not receive an A.MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - more...
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 14 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
This is serious... a "WORK" virus is on the loose...
If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT! The "work" virus has been circulating round our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and the brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via e-mail, then to transmogrify the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words, "I've had enough of your shit... I'm off down the pub". The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed.
If you receive "work" in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order 3 pints. more...
If you receive something that says "Send this to all your friends", please consider me not your friend.
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: "Dear Wife," that's what he called her, "I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, "Dear Husband," that's what she called him, "I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."