Recently Jokes / Recent Jokes
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into theiceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1, 500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Christmas at New York City's Rockfeller Center will feature a tree from western New Jersey that its owners call a "miracle."
Workers are cutting down the 72-foot tall Norway spruce on the grounds of Tree King nursery in Hamilton, which is owned by the Varanyak family.
He says it's "the miracle tree" because his late mother always said it would one day be on display at Rockefeller Center.
His brother, Bob, says they recently saw a blue bird in the tree and they believe the bird was their mother guarding it.
________
Unfortunately, the blue bird was crushed by the falling tree, and its recently hatched chicks froze to death in the crisp, NJ air....but the tree is beautiful, and if you squint your eyes, tree rings on the stump almost look like Santa Claus.
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age. A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?" "Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either." Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?" Edgar said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked. "No, I don't," Edgar replied. Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?" "No," Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things." The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)
Remote controls in hotels are the worst! (Always carry your Lysol spray!)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home, will have examined the contents of your dirty laundry basket. We won't even go into guests
snooping in your medicine cabinet.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. Mouth herpes.
Daily you will breathe in 1 liter of other more...
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he more...
A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"