Record Jokes / Recent Jokes
My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of his favourite song. After he located it, he realized that he had forgotten his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants.
Well, as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?"
To this he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."
This man was jailed in China, shot at in Russia, and chased by armed men in Mexico. Now he has a spot in the Guinness book of World Records.
What record?
Most convincing player of "Got your nose."
Hillary Clinton who recently appeared on Turkish television discussing her love life,has single handedly caused Turkey to break the record for the largest number of people to simultaneously vomit.
George W. Bush's closest advisors came to visit him at the White House
one evening, and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up.
They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.
When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was
celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that
wasn't much of an accomplishment.
"Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time."
When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it
after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great.
"Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5
years!"
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting more...
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.
This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to
Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off,
owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.
This is flight one two six flight to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!
Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
(I presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)
For the ones that don't quiet make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our
Stewardesses Bubbly and Goldie will be happy to brief you on more...