Record Jokes / Recent Jokes

P. Harris

Problem Probable Cause Remedy
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Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket
and turn socket on


Not turned on Turned off Turn on.

Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get
a real stereo.


Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.
sound


Still no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.


Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.


Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place
no aerial record on deck, place
stylus on record.


Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace
with `Hells Bells' by
ACDC set volume to ten,
place stylus on record.


Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and
or learn to say `eh?'


Don't more...

Matthew McKnight holds the Guinness record for "Greatest Distance Thrown in a Car Accident." He lived to tell about being thrown 118 feet by a car that hit him while traveling about 70 mph.

This record is probably safe unless Kate Moss gets hit by a speeding Hummer.

An Anaheim man set a Guiness World Record on Wednesday for "Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours" by sitting in 39,250 seats at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California.

When reached for comment, the man replied, "Man is my ass sore. Now I know what Paris Hilton feels like."

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked more...

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories! 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running more...

My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of
his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his
wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get
a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well,
as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me,
but is that a record in your pants?" To this he responded, "It may not be
a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."
Yea, I know it didn't really happen, but I felt like
telling my joke in this manner :-).