Record Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man enters a music store to purchase an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he realizes that he doesn't have his wallet. Instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.
The cashier spots him on the way out and shouts, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I sure haven't heard any complaints."
There were three midgets. Each one wanted to win a world record.
The first midget went in to the place for world records and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest hands.
He came happy and said i got the record.
So the second one goes in and says I want to see if I can get the record for the worlds smallest feet.
He came out all happy and said i got the record.
Then the last one goes in and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest penis. He came out all sad and said, "Who the in the hell Michael Jackson?!"
There is a American guy, a German guy, and Santa Claus. The american guy walks int he bar and says what is the bar drinkin record. The bartender says 0. The american guy says give me 50. He drinks them all and goes to the bathroom. A gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eats your balls eat your wennie.
The German guy walks in the bar and says whats the bar drinkin record. The bartender says 50. The German guy says give me 100. He drinks them all and goes to the bathroom. A gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eat your balls eat your wennie.
Then Santa Claus walks in and says whats the bar drinkin record. Thae bartender says 100. Santa says give me 200. He drinks the all and goes to the bathroom. Again the gohst pops out and says im the gohst of bennie bennie eat your balls eat your wennie. Santa says well im the gohst of Christmas past touch me balls i kick your ass!
Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
Michael McShane
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
Fred Reiss
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was more...
The FBI found a bottle of an antidepressant drug in the Unabomber suspect's cabin. It's a good thing he was taking that stuff... otherwise, he might have done something REALLY crazy...
Monday was tax day all across the USofA. Instead of trying to simplify those complicated forms, why doesn't the IRS just issue decoder rings? Those who lie and cheat the federal government usually know their fate - chances are good they'll end up reelected!
For killing their parents in their Beverly Hills, California mansion, Erik and Lyle Menendez were sentenced to life in prison without possibility of a book deal.
In Riverside, California, shouting broke out at a pro police rally. Whites told Latinos to go back to Mexico - Latinos told whites to go back to England. Well, Governor Pete Wilson PROMISED he'd get California moving again.
In his State of the City address, Mayor Richard Riorden portrayed Los Angeles as a city that has rounded the bend on the road to recovery. Now, is that more...
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19. 36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova' Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11. 15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator more...