Record Jokes / Recent Jokes
An gentleman walks into the Guinness world records office and announces that he has set a new record. The man in charge says' well,... what is it?'
The gentleman says' I've completed this 200 piece jigsaw puzzle, and it only took me 18 months!'
And the man in charge says' Well,... why should that be a new world record?!' And the gentleman says' It said on the box 3 to 5 years!'
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
A: "Feel the World."
His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"
His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.
When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment.
"Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great.
"Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"
Six Bad Days1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. more...
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have' Eyes of Blue' and' A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:
"You could do worse." "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there." "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start." "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason." "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last." "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault." "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't" "I can go all day without peeing once." "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me." "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath." "I won't sue you when you fire me." "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies." "Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job? "I was a sniper in the more...