"In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times" joke

The FBI found a bottle of an antidepressant drug in the Unabomber suspect's cabin. It's a good thing he was taking that stuff... otherwise, he might have done something REALLY crazy...
Monday was tax day all across the USofA. Instead of trying to simplify those complicated forms, why doesn't the IRS just issue decoder rings? Those who lie and cheat the federal government usually know their fate - chances are good they'll end up reelected!
For killing their parents in their Beverly Hills, California mansion, Erik and Lyle Menendez were sentenced to life in prison without possibility of a book deal.
In Riverside, California, shouting broke out at a pro police rally. Whites told Latinos to go back to Mexico - Latinos told whites to go back to England. Well, Governor Pete Wilson PROMISED he'd get California moving again.
In his State of the City address, Mayor Richard Riorden portrayed Los Angeles as a city that has rounded the bend on the road to recovery. Now, is that the road with all the potholes, the road that's sinking or the one that is still closed by CalTrans?
The Material Girl is now the Maternity Girl - we're not exactly sure how long Madonna has been pregnant, but if the baby was conceived in late March it's possible she'll have her child on Christmas Day - setting a new world record for irony wrapped in swaddling irreverence.
Intuit and America Online are introducing a program for online banking. Wow! Virtual poverty!
Downsizing: Layoffs at Kellogg's have left employees demoralized. Reporters asked Tony the Tiger what he really thinks about Frosted Flakes and he said, "Eh, they're OK".
More downsizing: Post plans to cut prices on its cereals. Competitors may follow suit. Breakfast food downsizing means from now on, it'll only be LIEUTENANT Crunch. Inside of every box of Lucky Charms you'll find "Orange stars! Green clovers! Pink slips!" To save money, they've also had to cut back on their regular toy surprises. Unfortunately, kids have had a hard time finding the new Invisible Man figures.
Ford may have to recall millions of cars because faulty ignitions could cause them to catch fire - even when parked. Apparently, Quality was Job Two. The folks in marketing haven't missed a beat - if Broncos are found to be a fire hazard, they will be renamed Blazers. Boy, when Ford dealers advertise red-hot deals, they're not kidding.
Someone in Australia has invented software that will help a person commit suicide. It's already a hit with users of Windows 95 who still can't get through to technical support. Hollywood has already bought the film rights. They're going to call it, "Hard Drive: With a Vengeance."
And finally in sports - okay, so the Chicago Bulls set a record by winning 70 games this season. The Lakers are still the best team - when push comes to shove.