"Troubleshooting Your New Stereo" joke

P. Harris

Problem Probable Cause Remedy
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket
and turn socket on

Not turned on Turned off Turn on.

Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get
a real stereo.

Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.
sound

Still no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.

Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.

Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place
no aerial record on deck, place
stylus on record.

Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace
with `Hells Bells' by
ACDC set volume to ten,
place stylus on record.

Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and
or learn to say `eh?'

Don't understand Stupidity Turn stereo off, buy
what all the lights gramophone and retrieve
are for HMV 78.

Record a little Record is a CD If it cost over 10
small and hole too pound send it to me
big for spindle else check for CD
player on stereo if
there is one, insert
into CD player and set
volume to ten.

No CD player Not buying a CD player Buy a CD player or
stop buying CDs.

Too noisy CD playing and volume Set volume to three.
set to ten

CDs don't fit in Haven't got a car CD Buy car CD player,
car stereo player place CD in player and
set volume to ten.

Car speakers broken Volume of car CD player Take CD player back to
set too high shop - it would have
been stolen anyway!

CDs don't fit in car Car stereo only plays Tape CDs.
stereo tapes

Don't understand the a) Stupid Turn stereo off, buy
automatic sequencing gramophone and
compact disk, magnetic retrieve HMV 78.
media instant audio
transposition mega b) Normal Nor does anyone else
wacko editing just do it by hand
commands like you used to.

Reel to reel tapes You're still wearing Remove flares and
don't fit in tape purple flares reel to reel tape.
deck Attatch sign saying
`Outdated Hippy' to
forehead, place
Tchaikovsky's 1812
overture in CD player
skip first 6 minutes
place head between
speakers and set
volume to ten.

Profound deafness Placing head between None.
with persistent speakers with volume set
tinilus to ten whilst listening
cannon detonations.

Other Problems

Does not show Not a television Buy sex pistols album
Coronation Street place on deck, place
stylus on record and
set volume to ten.

Neighbour beats head Constant annoyance with Go to hospital and
in with a brick loud music learn to eat through
a straw.

Stereo not where Stereo has been stolen Call Police and or
you left it or repossesed by bailiffs pay Poll tax demand.

Records, tapes and Stereo is a microwave Place egg in microwave
CDs melt during play, rip glass and metal
only a buzz comes grille from door look
from stereo inside and turn on.

Egg on face Stupidity None.

Stereo not good Stereo not girlfriend Unplug girlfriend
in bed from mains and take
tape from her lips.
Plug in Stereo and
turn on girlfriend.

Pressing space bar Bought typewriter Slam head in fridge
causes a little door.
click, but does
not play recently
purchased Paul
Simon album

Light in fridge Door not shutting Slam Harder!
does not go out completely