Lights Jokes

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

A man in Ireland is driving his Morris Miner to the ferry port to go home in England. Suddenly, his car breaks down. A bloke in a Ferrari pulls up and says he has a towrope in his boot, but he warns that he is a fast driver. So if he goes too fast, just flash your lights and beep your horn. They set off and suddenly the Ferrari driver spots a Porsche. He thinks "this is no good, I must overtake that Porsche." So he speeds up, the driver of the Porsche speeds up, until they are speeding like a man-on-fire!
The driver of the Morris miner starts flashing its lights and beeping its horn.
Meanwhile, Paddy, Mick and Ferges are standing on their driveway. Suddenly, ZOOM! Goes the Porsche. ZOOM! Goes the Ferrari. ZOOM! Goes the Morris Miner.
Paddy says' did you see that Porsche, it was going' at least a 100 miles an hour!'
Mick replies' yep, that was okay, but did you see that Ferrari, that was 110 miles an hour'
Ferges thinks, then says

In my own words: "I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like' what the heck?' (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff...
"Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you're going to Portland, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Portland, you're about to have a really long evening."

"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now."

"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're more...

Once there was a little boy named Jimmy. One day jimmy asked his Dad if he could take a shower with him. His Dad said OK but don't look down. So they got in and Jimmy looked down and said "Daddy what's that?" His Dad said that is my limo. That same day Jimmy asked his mother if he could take a shower with her. She said OK but only if you don't look up and you don't look down. So they got in and Jimmy looked up and asked "What are those?" and his mom said those are my head lights. Then Jimmy looked down and he asked his mom "What is that?" She said that is my garage. Jimmy said Oh! Later that evening Jimmy decided that he wanted to sleep with his parents in their bed. They said OK but don't look under the covers. The next morning at the breakfast table Jimmy exclamed
"Mommy! Last night I squeesed your head lights to make them turn on but it didn't work! Jimmy!" his mother yelled. "Why did you do that? Well," Jimmy began, " more...

A Yankee fan, a Met fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.
When the subway car's lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Met fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Yankee fan is holding his slapped face.
The Yankee fan is thinking, "That Met fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."
Pamela is thinking, "That Yankee fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Met fan, and got slapped for it."
And the Met fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the subway car's lights go out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that @!#%!! Yankee fan again."