Red Jokes / Recent Jokes

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings. "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper. "And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires. "I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.

In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been more...

There was a red head, a blond, and a brunette running from the cops, and they come across an old abandon house. They run inside, and the brunette sees 3 burlap sacks. She picks it up and puts it on over her head, huddles in the corner, and says meow, meow, meow. So the cops come in the house and go up to the bag, and kicked it, and say "it must be a bag of kittens", and they move on. The red head grabs another one of the sacks pulls it over her head, huddles in the corner, and says woof, woof, woof. The cops walk by, and shine the flashlight on them, kicked the bag, and say "it must be a bag of puppies." They move on. The blond grabs the last sack, puts it over her head, and huddles in the corner. She starts saying potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.

The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night.' Well, we're a mite crowded, siknce there's already someone in the spare room,' replied the farmer.' But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.'

'Look,' said the tourist,' I want you to know I'm a gentleman.'

'Well,' mused the farmer,' as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.'

A friend of mine whose mother had recently passed away was seen eating red glutinous rice on one rare occasion. A pedantic scholar who came to hear of this expressed his disapproval by saying that it was highly improper for one in mourning to eat red rice. Asked why, he explained that red signified happiness. Said my friend: " Does it mean that those who eat white rice are all in mourning?"

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back,

The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun.

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Walmart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But more...

This two ladies, one with red hair and the other one blond, went to a nice restaurant to have lunch.
The waiter asks the blonde if she would like something to drink and she ordered a pepsi. And the lady with the red hair, oredered a double bols and coke.
After the waiter have left, the blond says that she was'nt aware that she could have order anything like that.
When the waiter returned with the orders, she asked him to cancel the pepsi, and bring something else instead. Sure the waiter replied, what will it be then?
Two dicks and a pepsi please!