Red Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to
get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes
crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big,
red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding
signs that say, "We hate Christmas, and "Go away Santa.
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a
loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise more...

Appearing on Dennis Miller's show, Red Buttons announced he was 80 years old, but that 80 is not old. He explained:
Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefooted.
Old is when your Doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.
Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
Old is when your wife says "lets go upstairs and make Love" and you answer "Honey, I can't do both"
And he adds...
Sure I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember more...

How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10, 000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, Dear," she said. "What's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you," he said simply.

"Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache," answered his wife.

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, Honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

It was the day after Christmas. The pastor of a church was looking over their Nativity scene when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant,
Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church.
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to
the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red
wagon for Christmas, I would give him the first ride in it.

Whats red and green and wears boxing gloves? A fruit punch.