Refused Jokes / Recent Jokes
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God? s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Three guys, who had all died around the same time at about the same place, were waiting to take their place in Heaven. They were told by the angel that there was room for only one of them in Heaven. Their fate would be determined by the way each of them had died, so the angel went to each man and asked how they had died.
The first guy, when approached, said:
"Well, I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building and I came home early from work because I suspected that my wife had been cheating on me, and I wanted to give the other man a piece of my mind. However, when I got home there was no one in the apartment aside from my wife, but my intuition told me otherwise, so I searched the apartment. When I came to my balcony, ready the commit suicide, I saw a man hanging on, at that point I was so angry at him that I stepped on his hands hoping he'd fall off, but he remained firm. So I went back inside and got a hammer and hit his hands, but he still didn't fall off. In my more...
The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
The following supposedly a true story.This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Santa was flying to Chandigarh from Pune. He was allotted a middle seat but decided to take the window seat instead, which had been allotted to an old lady.
The lady requested Santa to exchange the seats and let her sit on the seat allotted to her. He refused, saying,' I want to see the view from the window.' The old lady complained to the air hostess who requested Santa to sit on his allotted middle seat. Santa was adamant and bluntly refused.
The air hostess went up to the co-pilot. He too came and requested Santa, but in vain.
Finally, the captain of the aircraft came. He whispered something in Santa's ears. Santa immediately vacated the window seat and took the middle seat.
Astonished, the air hostess and the co-pilot asked the captain what he had said to Santa. The captain replied.' Nothing, I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others were going to Jalandhar.'
Dear Ann Landers: So you like "crazy lawsuits?" In the three years I have been writing the Random Nuts column for Graffiti magazine, I've collected some doozies and am pleased to pass some of the best along to you. Here they are:* After he threatened to sue McDonald's for $5 million, a former research scientist was arrested for extortion. The scientist claimed he ate part of a fried rat tail he found in a bag of Happy Meal french fries, but a grand jury said the tail came from one of his own laboratory rats.* A convict wants $1,000 because the state of New York made him eat "vegetable diet loaf" as a punishment for violating prison rules.* Another prisoner is suing because he says secondhand smoke from other inmates is ruining his health, though he smokes himself.* The all-time Random Nuts champ has to be a convicted Brooklyn burglar who is suing the state for $989 billion because prison guards beat up his jacket, which he wasn't wearing at the time.* In Boston, more...
Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said "NO STRINGS ALLOWED."
Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.
The bartender said "Can't your read?" and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.
The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.
The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.
Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.
"Say," asked the bartender suspiciously, "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
'Fraid not," replied the string.