"Crazy Lawsuits" joke

Dear Ann Landers: So you like "crazy lawsuits?" In the three years I have been writing the Random Nuts column for Graffiti magazine, I've collected some doozies and am pleased to pass some of the best along to you. Here they are:* After he threatened to sue McDonald's for $5 million, a former research scientist was arrested for extortion. The scientist claimed he ate part of a fried rat tail he found in a bag of Happy Meal french fries, but a grand jury said the tail came from one of his own laboratory rats.* A convict wants $1,000 because the state of New York made him eat "vegetable diet loaf" as a punishment for violating prison rules.* Another prisoner is suing because he says secondhand smoke from other inmates is ruining his health, though he smokes himself.* The all-time Random Nuts champ has to be a convicted Brooklyn burglar who is suing the state for $989 billion because prison guards beat up his jacket, which he wasn't wearing at the time.* In Boston, two women unsuccessfully sued for reinstatement after they were fired for refusing to work the night of Dec. 25. They claimed their devout Catholic beliefs prevented them from working on Christmas.
The two women were employed as betting clerks at a local racetrack.* The U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear an appeal of a case filed by a woman against her local electric company. The woman said she had a nervous breakdown and suffered "physical injury and emotional distress" because the company published her rice recipe in its cookbook without her permission. Her husband also put in a claim for "loss of companionship."* A Los Angeles attorney filed suit on behalf of his miniature poodle when the dog was ejected from a cafe's outdoor patio. The attorney said that since pigeons and other birds are allowed to roam freely on the restaurant's property, the ejection was a violation of the Constitution's equal-protection clause.* A 73-year-old Milwaukee woman claimed she became sexually attracted to other women and started having spontaneous orgasms after an electric bingo scoreboard fell on her head. The woman asked for $90,000 from the church where the bingo game took place, but the judge threw out her case because she refused to undergo a court-ordered psychological examination.* A woman in Israel is suing a TV weather forecaster because she says his prediction of sunny skies caused her to go out in the rain and catch the flu.* Environmentalists in Japan filed suit on behalf of a flock of geese in an attempt to get the government to earmark funds for wetlands preservation, but a judge ruled that geese can't sue anybody.* A worker at a truck plant in Virginia sued his employer after it suspended him for attacking its mascot. The worker lost it when an actor dressed as a giant rooster and hired by the automaker to discourage tardiness, snuck up behind the worker and crowed. The judge ruled in the worker's favor, noting that "the bird had it coming."I hope your readers will enjoy these. --John Wehrle, Random Nuts editor, Graffiti Magazine, Charleston, W.Va.Dear John: Thanks for some beauts. I have been accused of making these stories up, but nothing could compare to what goes on in real life.Copied from Ann Landers' Column

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