Nuts Jokes

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't
say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to more...

Q:What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts cost a buck twenty-five. Deer nuts are under a buck!

The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.

The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance."

The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could."

The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat more...

1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
nuts
1 or 2 bottles scotch whiskey
Before you start, sample the scotch to check quality. Good isn't it? Now start baking.
Select a large misking bowl, measuring cup etc.
Check the scotch again, as it must be just right.
To be sure that the scotch is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
And one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure the scotch is still OK.
Cry another cup.
Open second bottle if necessary.
Ant tow large leggs, 2 cups dried fruit and beat till high.
If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry loose with drewscriver.
Next, sift three cups of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter.
Sample scotch again.
Sift half cup of lemon juice.
Fold in more...

Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came upon a cemetery. The boys decided that it would be a good place to stop and rest to divide the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts into a large pile. In the process, two of the nuts rolled away and settled near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts.
"One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..."
As they were doing this, another boy passed by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come more...