Packet Jokes

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women.
Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace.
The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says more...

A flight attendant friend of mine and her boyfriend had been playing a little
game, where they would hide condoms in each other's pockets, briefcases,
lunches etc., to have them revealed at unexpected times.
One morning, shortly after taking off on a 3 hour flight, the flight
attendant was asked for aspirin, by a man with a headache. Recalling the
packet of aspirin she usually kept in her left pocket, she took it out,
placed it on the man's fold out table, and turned to pour him a glass of water.
When she turned around again, the man was staring, mouth open, at the
packet before him. He managed to stammer "Sorry Miss, I really DO have a
headache." On discovering her mistake, she turned several shades of red,
and scurried off to hide in the crew cabin.
Eventually, she had to resume her duties, and on each pass down the aisle,
she got a wink and a smile from the man with the headache.

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second more...

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The more...

These are real labelings on real products that they sell around the world.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a SUGGESTION.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Hmm, a no go on the dessert)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Really? I thought it would be cold)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Oh darn, I was going to!)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (That would really bring down the number of construction accidents by keeping those 5-year-olds off of those forklifts!)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And I'm taking this because?)
On most brands of more...