Relationship Jokes / Recent Jokes

Husband: If a man steals anything, he will live to regret it.

Wife: You used to steal kisses from me before we were married.

Husband: Well...

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a more...

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch
your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor more...

Q. Why did God create lesbians?
A. So feminists couldn't breed.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early, and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

The Dean from the University of Northern Colorado was a victim of a hit and run.
He was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken Dean told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!"

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/he's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.