Remain Jokes / Recent Jokes
"Competitive Salary" We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
"Join our fast-paced company" We have no time to train you.
"Casual work atmosphere" We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"Some overtime required" Some every night and some every weekend.
"Duties will vary" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an eye for detail" We have no quality assurance.
"Career-minded" Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"Apply in person" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience" You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
"Problem-solving skills a must" You're walking into more...
ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in more...
I found these humurous and easily clasify people.
Agi Tator: Whenever things get dull, Agi is always there to stir things up. She is often a nuisance, but many times keeps everyone on their toes by disturbing the comfortable status quo.
Cogi Tator: Cogi is a thinker. She is different from her brother Medi because Cogi thinks deeply about matters that will affect the way she acts. She weighs everything carefully before acting and attempts to make sure she has considered all the alternatives.
Common Tator: Common always has advice or criticism on any subject. Always talking and always very authoritative sounding, he often sounds like he knows what he is talking out, but usually doesn't.
Devis Tator: Devis is a revolutionary. He believes in confrontation, radical changes. It is his philosophy that the only way to change something is to destroy it and start all over. Devis is weak on alternatives or ideas for rebuilding and considers that someone else's job.
Dick more...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you more...
A collegian was deeply in love with a pretty girl, But he did not have the
courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go alone and with the help of
a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her.
HE WROTE:
Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation. I
have a strong indication to become your relation. As to my educational
qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my
matriculation examination; no doubt without any hesitation and very little
preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of your marriage celebration
according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the
expansion of the population of present generation.
On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my
situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our
argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint more...
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about more...
REDMOND, WASHINGTON - In an effort to dispell confusion surrounding Microsoft's upcoming new version of Windows, Microsoft annouced today that it would rename the upgrade - formerly known as Windows 95 - to WinEver.
"There seemed to be a great deal of anxiety about when the product would ship. We felt it was in the best interest of our users to free them from this anxiety," said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.
Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision. "WinEver will free Windows users from space and time constraints. It also gives Windows a new timeless quality", said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why OS/2 is failing in the marketplace - they have failed to deliver a strategy for their product."
When asked when WinEver would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "Whenever." The spokesperson added "It really doesn't matter since WinEver is more...