Remain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure more...

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

THE LAWS OF CARTOON PHYSICS
By Trevor Paquette and Lt. Justin D. Baldwin
Cartoon Law I: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims more...

' COMPETITIVE SALARY:'
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

'JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:'
We have no time to train you.

'CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:'
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

'MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:'
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

'SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:'
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

'DUTIES WILL VARY:'
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

'MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:'
We have no quality control.

'CAREER-MINDED:'
Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

'SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:'
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

'PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:'
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

'REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:'
You'll have the responsibilities of more...

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

CORPORATE MEMO
To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received more...

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:You'll be making under $7 an hour.ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.IMMEDIATE OPENING:The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each more...