Remain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Due to the sad death of Paddy, the bar to all intents and purpose, will remain closed during our grief, but so as not to inconvenience our esteemed customers, the door will remain ajar. Tis what Paddy wanted. Thank you.
Donnachie family.

As the midwinter flight completes is descent into Tel Aviv, the flight crew announces, "Ladies and Gentelmen, we ask that you remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop, and the pilot turns off the seatbelt sign.
And to those of you who are still seated, Merry Christmas."

Clarification Of Corporate LingoEmployer's Lingo:"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors." JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you." CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings." MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day." SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend." DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around." MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control." CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way)." APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled." NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality." SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"5. After a particularly rough landing during more...

Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you+-
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE more...

It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.

Employer's Lingo:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A more...