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New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... okay, monthly then... or maybe...
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than "password."
I more...

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curios, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in' 62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. more...

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
"Who's he?" asked the scouser.
"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender.
"He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember any fact he experiences. Go and try him out."
So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds" was the instant reply.
"And the score?"
"2-1" "Who scored the winning goal?" "Ian St. John" was the old man's reply, without a hint of hesitation.
The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A more...

*Madam:*


I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen

your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on
you and hope you will take me nicely. I am a soiled son from inside
Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing
hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a
fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start
running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly.
I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am
always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get
on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not
drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. more...

A blonde walked into a hair salon and sat into the barber´s chair. The barber noticed that she had headphones on her head. The barber asked the blonde what kind of haircut she wanted. She didn´t reply, so the barber asked again. Again no reply. Then he was getting very annoyed so he took off her headphones. Suddenly she turned blue and fell on the floor. He checked her pulse and she was dead. He was wondering what was in her headphones so he put them on. He heard: " Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale...

One day, Bob's class was assigned to write down everything they heard at home.
When Bob got home, he heard his mom and dad fighting.
"Shut up" he heard his dad say.
Bob wrote that down.
Next he went to his sister's room. She was chatting on-line. It just so happened that she said everything she typed. "Duh!" Bob heard her saying.
Bob wrote that down.
After that, he went to the living room were he heard his little brother saying, "Super Man!"
Bob wrote that down.
Last, he went near the bathroom were his grandpa was singing, "Every day, the whole day, in the bathroom."
Bob wrote that down.
~~~
The next day at school, The teacher asked Bob, "What did you write, Bob?"
Bob answered, "Shut up!"
"Excuse me, but do you want to go to the Principal's office?"
"Duh!" was Bob's reply.
At the principal's office he asked Bob, "What's your more...

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children wouldn't know what they were talking about. they would ask "could I take in your laundry tonight? " so the kids couldn't understand. Husband comes home from work one night and asked "Honey, can I take in your laundry tonight? No not tonight was her reply. No big deal as he has come home many nights without getting any. They following night he comes home from work and asks "Honey, can I take in your laundry tonight? again her reply was No, not tonight. This goes on several more nights, and the exasperated man always get the same answer, No, not tonight. So the following night the man comes home from work, never says a thing to his wife, but goes straight to bed. In the morning his wife is somewhat worried (knowing how horney he is) and asks "Honey, how come you didn't want to take in my washing last night? Don't even think about it he replies, I only had a more...