Report Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sardar Sent A Sms To His Pregnant Wife. Two Seconds Later A Report Came To His Phone And He Started Dancing. The Report Said, "Delivered".

A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car. ”
Father replies,: ”O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see. ”
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car? ”
Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair. ”
Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair. ”
Father replies, “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went. ”

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip her. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time more...

"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
and...:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two more...

Jay Lenno on the Impact of Kenneth Starr's Report. 9/11/98

As a direct result of the release of Judge Kenneth Starr's Report to the congress on the internet:

Meet The Press will not be hosted by Tim Russert this week. The new host: Dr. Ruth.

The Big Story: George Burns no longer can claim the world's most famous cigar.

According to Monica, Bill took phone calls while she was giving him Oral Sex. Wouldn't it be too perfect if one of those calls was from AT&T asking if he was satisfied with the service he was getting?

The President's Lawyer went on TV and said' this is just an accusation, not proof.' Hey Lumpy! 36 boxes of evidence will stack up to substantially taller than you, your boss and your secretaries standing on each others shoulders! With that mountain of evidence against you: IT'S OVER!!!!!.

Even OJ was heard to say:' Give It Up!!!'

Clinton wasn't going to apologize to his cabinet until Janet Reno more...

A poor report card has one good thing in its favor: at least you know the student is not cheating.