Rescue Jokes / Recent Jokes

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said "Thank you, but my God will save me." Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.A second boat came by and the worker called out "Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!" Once again she thanked him profusely and said "My God will save me."The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankels when a third boat came by. "Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're going to die." She just smiled "My God will save me" she said quietly. Frustrated the worker moved on.The waters rose once more...

A man was out sailing at sea in the middle of a storm when a particularly large wave overturned his boat.

He fell into the sea and was forced to tread water to stay afloat.

He stayed there for several hours until a rescue helicopter flew overhead. A rope was lowered with a lifeguard worker on the end of it. He reached out to grab the man, but being very religious, he said, "No thank you. God will save me eventually."

The helicopter flew off.

After another few hours, a lifeboat came along, but again the man told them to go away, as God would save him.

Eventually, the man died of freezing in the water. As his soul drifted up to heaven, he said to Saint Peter, "Why didn't God save me?"

Saint Peter said, "He sent a rescue helicopter and a lifeboat! What more did you want?"

The Yuppette watched from the beach at Hilton Head as her son built sand castles near the surf. The boy got up, took a few steps, slipped and was pulled out by a strong undertow.
"Help! Help!" she screamed.
A Life Guard hearing her cries spotted the boy and ran the rescue. He dove into the pounding surf and finally pulled the child to safety on the shore. He then applied mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and in a few moments, the boy began to cough.
"There ya are Miss. I think he'll be just fine now. But you might want to visit a doctor to be sure."
"Yes, yes!" she replied. "But he was wearing a new hat and sunglasses."

Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!" "Not in that thing," the evil king replied. She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her dress, which, as I've mentioned, was very disgusting. After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately".
The three models start preparing for the worst.
Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we're about to crash?". Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces".
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?" Cindy responds: "I have it on more...

There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.
It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.
A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.
They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.
They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief nods and simply says, "Yes...seen plane crash".
When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!"
The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!"
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!"
Finally, another rescuer had to ask, "Did you..you know...eat more...