Research Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Oxford University allocated a budget of
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500, 000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. .. no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, more...
(CIM) The Netherlands: Doctor Huizenaas of the Rotterdam Animal Research Institute has successfully trained a cat not to eat food. His research followed an unsuccessful attempt by Professor Egon Spuunrais to achieve this same goal.
Prof Spuunrais' failed experiment was based on the use of positive reinforcement. The cat was shown food, and if it refused to eat it, the animal was rewarded by a tasty tidbit. His conclusions were widely ridiculed, predominantly for the absence of a control.
Dr Huizenaas formulated a more rigorous test based on negative reinforcement, and including a control animal which did not receive the punishment.
In the Huizenaas experiment, whenever the test animal accepted food it was struck on the head by a small steel mallet. At first, the cat's behaviour was unaffected by this, but after some adjustments to the force of the blow, it was observed that the cat became progressively less interested in the food and indeed was often seen to shake its more...
(copied from "What's New," newsletter written by Robert L. Park
of the American Physical Society and posted in sci.physics)
2. SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE. In a
recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government
has offered to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia
into an international space research facility in response to US
complaints that the radar would violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev
suggested that the US reciprocate by turning the unfinished US
embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction center. The
communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa,
throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove
the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1
as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence
of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture
of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising
Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A
by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the more...
A Marine Biologist was telling his friends about some of his most recent research findings. "Some whales can communicate at a distance of 500 kilometres," he said.
"What the hell would one whale say to another 500 kilometres away?" asked his sarcastic friend.
"I'm not absolutely sure," the expert said, "but it sounds something like' Can you hear me now?' "
In the sleepy city of Sherrill, N.Y., two unsuspecting adults have found themselves the objects of sleep deprivation research.
James Harden is currently in his tenth month of his study. His subjects, Debbie and Dennis Harden, have tried to foil his research to no avail. "Ferber" has failed and so has "The Family Bed."
Young James conducts his studies by awakening in the wee hours of the morning, standing up in his crib, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a backrub from Mom will put him back to sleep; but at other times, it takes the formula ritual. Sometimes James is actually hungry but most of the time he just wants to check how his research is going.
Just how far has he gone? Last week, James woke up too early; his parents were still up watching David Letterman. Dennis looked at his lovely wife and said, "I can't take this. I'm going to bed."
Debbie responded, "If you do that, I will kill you in your sleep." more...