Research Jokes / Recent Jokes

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, more...

Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
The ball in Parisis' Squares
Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
Scare blind students in Braille class
Prop open doors for maintenance crews
Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
Footstool for Captain's chair
Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
Scare Alexander into doing chores
Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research.
Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
Two words: tether ball
Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy

Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk.
The ball in Parisis' Squares.
Hood ornament for shuttlecraft.
Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet.
Scare blind students in Braille class.
Prop open doors for maintainence crews.
Lawn decoration in Arboreteum.
Footstool for Captain's chair.
Entertaining kids in day care puppet show.
Scare Alexander into doing chores.
Send to doctor that killed Crystalline Entity as gag gift.
Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank.
Send to Starfleet Android Research Center, so they can "get a head" in research.
Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards.
Two words: tether ball!
Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking.
Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet.
Donate to Starfleet Academy to be "Head of the Class."
Use as nutcracker at Christmas time.
And the number one use for Data's detatchable head...
Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on more...

Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"
Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful."
Mother: "Really?"
Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"

While visiting England recently, George W. Bush was invited to have tea with the Queen.

Given his recent political problems, he decides to take advantage of her years of leadership experience and asks her for her advice. She responds that she surrounds herself with the most intelligent people she can find and lets them do their jobs.

Intrigued with this novel theory, Bush asks her how she is able to tell if the people are intelligent.

"I do so by asking them a test question" responds the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

The Queen then dials 10 Downing Street and asks to speak to Tony Blair. "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer a hypothetical question for me."

"I'll do my best, Your Majesty" responds Blair.

"Your mother has a child and your father has a child" says the Queen. "The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"

Tony Blair more...

In a joint press conference early this morning, the Chief Executives of Microsoft and Novell revealed that their companies had been working together to increase Microsoft's dominance of the computer industry. In a secret partnership with Microsoft, Novell has been strategically acquiring Microsoft's major competitors in the software industry and ruining them.
The relationship goes back a number of years, according to Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "[Digital Research's] DR-DOS 5.0 was ten times the operating system that MS-DOS 4.01 was. We couldn't even steal technology fast enough to compete. That was when we first contacted Novell." Under direction from Microsoft, Novell then purchased Digital Research, a small California company best known for its CP/M operating system.
Novell CEO Bob Frankenburg continued, "We let the developers release DR-DOS 6.0, which unfortunately was a success, but then we jumped in with both feet. By the time we were done with it, more...

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the
government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way
it is.
Oxford University allocated a budget of $500, 000 for research.
After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the
penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in
situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and
increase the probability of successful fertilization.
Cambridge University spent $750, 000 on a research program that
lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near
the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings
stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity
and a better chance of impregnation.
Finally, the Open University spent $2. 50 on a copy of Playboy and
10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis
widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping more...