"Press release: Novell admits aiding Microsoft" joke

In a joint press conference early this morning, the Chief Executives of Microsoft and Novell revealed that their companies had been working together to increase Microsoft's dominance of the computer industry. In a secret partnership with Microsoft, Novell has been strategically acquiring Microsoft's major competitors in the software industry and ruining them.
The relationship goes back a number of years, according to Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "[Digital Research's] DR-DOS 5.0 was ten times the operating system that MS-DOS 4.01 was. We couldn't even steal technology fast enough to compete. That was when we first contacted Novell." Under direction from Microsoft, Novell then purchased Digital Research, a small California company best known for its CP/M operating system.
Novell CEO Bob Frankenburg continued, "We let the developers release DR-DOS 6.0, which unfortunately was a success, but then we jumped in with both feet. By the time we were done with it, Novell DOS 7 wouldn't even interoperate well with NetWare!" All development on Digital Research's product was subsequently halted in September 1994.
Frankenberg also explained their second target. "When it became obvious that Windows NT wouldn't be able to hold a candle to Unix, it was agreed that Novell should buy Unix Systems Laboratories from AT&T to destroy it." The destruction of Unix was accomplished by Novell's pushing of the UnixWare abomination and by carefully planned licensing fiascoes. "Once the damage was complete, we pushed it off on SCO [Santa Cruz Operation] last month."
The latest joint venture was the destruction of Microsoft's competition in the Windows application market. "Under the guise of creating a rival suite, Novell bought up Wordperfect and Quattro Pro," Gates explained. "With our direction, all OS/2 development was halted and significant bugs were introduced in the release cycle. [Microsoft] Excel wasn't half the spreadsheet that Quattro Pro was when Borland owned it, and look at us now!" Novell's intention to sell the PerfectOffice Suite was announced on October 30. "We're done," said Frankenberg.
When asked about the prospect of competition from the new software giant created by the IBM/Lotus merger, Frankenburg replied, "We expect IBM to do a better job of destroying Lotus than we could have ever done."
Many industry insiders were taken by surprise. "It explains a lot," said Hewlett Packard employee Mike Lund. "We never could figure out what the hell Novell thought they were doing with Unix."

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