Rita Jokes / Recent Jokes
Rita was standing vigil over her husband's deathbed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But he was insistent. "Rita," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Rita. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Rita. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."
Rita mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now dear, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said.
"Now you be still, and let the poison work."
One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.
When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
- Judy Tenuta
I've more...
Cancun, Mexico - Rita Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about how she got even with her ex. Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment and located unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered chili powder in one, resealed it and waited for the results.
After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on **fire**. Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said, "He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now had it."