River Jokes / Recent Jokes

Pickpockets put hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm
You can walk across frozen East River, and see dozens of mob informants beneath you
Taxi drivers wear turbans with ear flaps
Mike Wallace and Morley Safer are constantly hugging
The hookers have on long-johns
Chemicals that make up the Hudson River have congealed into a thick greenish paste
Whenever a bike messenger gets hit by a cab, he shatters into a million tiny pieces
Headline in New York Post: Man Stabbed in Midtown for CBS Earmuffs (Dave dialed up the bank of pay phones down the street from the theater and had two people run down to meet him inside. Because of the cold, he gave one of them a set of earmuffs with the CBS logo on each ear)
You can see people's breath when they yell "Screw you!"
Everyone's wearing pants

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."And finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river and smoke dope. A crocodile comes out of the river:- Hey pals, let me have a whiff.- Get lost, oh green one!- Come on guys, just one!- Go %@~# yourself! So what would you do? Well, the crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in his place. Winnie, inhaling, is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a crocodile.- W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to more...

Holy Man lives in a house close to the river. It rains for a couple days, the river comes up and starts to flood his house. A man in a 4-wheel drive pick-up truck stops to pick him up. The Holy Man wouldn't leave. He said God would save him. A couple hours later Holy Man is on the roof. The water is now half way up his house. A guy in a boat comes by to save him. But Holy Man wouldn't go, he said God would save him. A couple hours later, the water is now up to the roof. A guy flies up in a helicopter, but again Holy Man wouldn't go. He said said God would save him. Well Holy Man drowns, goes before God and asks "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

3 young boys were walking along a river bank when they saw a man drowning in the river. Together they manage to pull him out.
When they pulled him out they notice that it is in fact George Bush, leader of the free world.
George Bush says to the boys, "Thank you oh so much! In return for you kindness, I will give each of you whatever you desire."
He turns to the first boy, "What would you like?"
The boy says, "I'd like a bike, but not just any bike, a bike with all the whistles and gadgets it could possibly have!"
George Bush says, "And you shall have it!" He turns to the second boy, "And what about you?"
The boy goes, "I'd like a huge house for all 12 members of my family, a huge mansion in the country, with many bedrooms and many bathrooms!"
George Bush says, "And so you shall!" and finally the third boy, "What do you require?"
The third boy goes, "A state more...

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..."I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."