Robert Jokes / Recent Jokes

Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot.
"Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?"
Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction.
"Actually, it's Mark."

Father John walked into a pub, and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father John walked up to Robert and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Robert said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Robert said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

' Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.' Gene Hill

' Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.' Dave Barry

' I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.' Penny Ward Moser

' Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.' Groucho Marx.

' To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.' Aldous Huxley

' A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.' Robert Benchley

' Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.' Sue Murphy

' Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?' Unknown

' I more...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Robert!
Robert who?
Roberts and burglars will rob you blind!

Teacher: You Weren't At School Last Friday, Robert. I Heard You Were At The Movie Theatre.
Robert: That's Not True, Sir. And I've Got The Tickets From The Football Game To Prove It.

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt.
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! more...

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White house and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She more...