Robert Jokes / Recent Jokes

The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.

"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."

The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"

"Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford."

"You got Robert Redford?" the director asks.

"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing role."

"Barbara Streisand?" he asks.

"No, Elizabeth Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a great voice. AND we've got more...

"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him and got a woman. "Is Robert there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Robert," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

When Robert first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
After several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly sixteen
inches and was close to dragging the ground.
Robert became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Robert's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Robert be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

A high school student came home from school with a writing assignment and asked his father for help. "Dad, could you explain the difference between potential and reality to me?" he asked.
He father looked up and said, "Son, I'll do better than that. I'll demonstrate it for you. Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then, go and ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. After you've done that, come back and tell me what you've learned."
The boy is puzzled but decided to see if he can figure out what his father meant.
He found his mother and asked, "Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford if someone gave you a million bucks?"
His mother blushed a little and said with a sheepish grin, "I sure would, but don't tell your father."
He then went to his sister and asked, "Hey, sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt if someone gave you a million more...

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken.
It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In seconds, he chose Paul.Baffled, Robert took Paul aside. “I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all Iwanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?”“I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Paul replies.“Your hands? What do you mean?”“Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”