Route Jokes / Recent Jokes

Not far from Rank Xerox's office in Welwyn, England, there is a town called Hitchin. On one of the commonly used routes into Hitchin, there was a junction which often confused travellers, causing them to make a wrong turn. The resulting route was nine miles longer than the correct route into Hitchin.
This common mistake was sufficiently irritating that the local people wageda campaign to have a new signpost erected at the junction. After due process, the signpost was installed, and the local people showed up for the installation, holding a sort of mini-festival of celebration.
The local newspaper reported the event with the following headline: "A Hitchin Sign Saves Nine"

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)Dear Ma and Pa:I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you' til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't more...

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they're saying?
Just by following these easy steps, you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
What you hear and what it means:
A MEDGEN: visualize, conjure up mentally, John Lennon 's first solo album Imagine, as if it was a Bug Hut in the Land of the Long White Cloud.
BETTING: 'Betting Gloves' are worn by 'betsmen' in 'crucket'.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the 'nick' and the 'billy'.
BUGGER: As in 'mine is bugger then yours'.
CHULLY BUN: 'Chilly bin' also known as an ESKY'
COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian cricket team who resigned tearfully in favor of Allan Border. Full name: Kimberley John Hughes.
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like 'Surria', 'E-Jupp' and 'Libernon. '
EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff.
GUESS: Flammable vapor used in stoves.
CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point more...

What REALLY happened as the Torch made its way through our our
nation's capital:
3:15 Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol
3:30 Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole.
5:00 One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch.
5:15 Torch enters Northeast Washington
5:16 First recorded case of "Torch-jacking" occurs.
6:00 After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop and
repurchased for $25
6:15 Torch arrives at city hall. Crowd is dismayed when Marion
Barry uses it to light his crack pipe.
6:20 Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to take
the torch to the country for "spiritual renewal".
6:30 Torch heads into Northwest Washington
6:35 Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole.
6:45 Torch is recovered (runner is never found).
6:55 Torch arrives at Dupont Circle. Residents are proud to have
such a high profile "flame" in their area.
7:00 Torch runner attempts to hand off more...

Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.

So, one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.

"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."

His instructor said, "What happened?"

Paul more...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?""Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.""Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle more...

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says' Do Not Disturb'!"