"Olympic Torch Route through Washington D.C." joke

What REALLY happened as the Torch made its way through our our
nation's capital:
3:15 Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol
3:30 Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole.
5:00 One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch.
5:15 Torch enters Northeast Washington
5:16 First recorded case of "Torch-jacking" occurs.
6:00 After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop and
repurchased for $25
6:15 Torch arrives at city hall. Crowd is dismayed when Marion
Barry uses it to light his crack pipe.
6:20 Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to take
the torch to the country for "spiritual renewal".
6:30 Torch heads into Northwest Washington
6:35 Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole.
6:45 Torch is recovered (runner is never found).
6:55 Torch arrives at Dupont Circle. Residents are proud to have
such a high profile "flame" in their area.
7:00 Torch runner attempts to hand off flame to NBA star Juwan
Howard.
7:01 David Falk stops the transaction, demanding $90 million over
two years for Howard's effort.
7:21 Torch arrives at White House.
7:22 FBI files on Torch arrive at White House.
7:23 Hillary fires Torch, citing "gross mismanagement and bad
record keeping".
7:24 "Torchgate" hearings begin on Capitol Hill.
7:30 Torch leaves White House, heads across the Mall.
7:32 Torch runner is knocked unconscious by long pop-fly hit by
"With Ourselves" star, John Mechem
7:35 Torch is handed to Republican Presidential candidate, Pat
Buchanan.
7:36 Series of mysterious fires at black churches begins along
Torch route.
8:00 Torch heads for Virginia.
8:15 Crossing the 14th Street Bridge, Torch is accidentally
dropped into Potomac - entire surface of river immediately
ignites.
8:45 After being recovered by ValuJet divers, Torch enters
Virginia. Upon crossing state line, runner is immediately
assessed personal property tax on torch.
8:47 Runner attempts to hand torch to Virginia Senator John
Warner. Warner refuses, saying he cannot, in good conscience,
support this torch.
9:00 Torch is retired for the evening. USOC vows never to set foot
in the D.C. area again.