Rule Jokes / Recent Jokes

Rule OneIf you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule TwoYou do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule ThreeI am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your more...

The Franklin Factor:
Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race:
If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription:
Don't wear your glasses on a blind date.
You'll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule:
A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call:
Never pick up the phone on Saturday night.
It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast:
They say there are lots of good fish in the sea.
But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis:
Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The Rope Trick:
Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter:
No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder:
The faster way to discover more...

BILL GATES. . . . . Better listen to what he has to say. . . To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Love him or hate him, he sure hit the nail on the head with this!
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60, 000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - more...

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

Real programmers don’t grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don’t know any other language. Real programmers don’t notch their desks for each completed service request. Real programmers don’t number paragraph names consecutively. Real programmers print only clean compiles. Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules. Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing. Repetition does not establish validity. Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I. Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Rules for making INDIAN Movies
1. If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will
- die
- join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
2. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
3. Any court scene will have the dialogue
"Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.
4. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i. e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
5. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
6. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will
never
- miss
- run out of bullets.
When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is more...

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.5. The Female is never wrong.6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.8. The Female can change her mind at any time.9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.14. At all times, what is important is what the more...