Safe Jokes / Recent Jokes
The only way to have safe sex is to abstain... from drinking.
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde more...
A gangster mob is deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing
their next bank. After several previous successful bank heists, they
all
agree on the way to go about it, and in the wee hours of the following
morning, embark on their plans to get rich yet again.
Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system got
under way immediately. The robbers were expecting one or two huge safes
filled with cash and valuables, but were surprised (and happy) to see
hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.
The first safe's combination was easy to crack. Inside the robbers were
surprised to find only vanilla pudding.
"Well" said one robber to the other, "At least we get a bit to eat."
The second safe also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the
process
continued until all the safes were opened and there was not a dollar, a
diamond, nor an more...
Just broke up with a bank teller, I really enjoyed the safe sex but I just started losing interest.
They have finally started practicing safe sex in Scotland...
They now paint red X's on the sheep that kick
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same more...
Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles