Safe Jokes / Recent Jokes

The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

Q: How do you get an Elephant out of a Safeway? i will give ya a hint take the S out of Safe and the F out of way
A: there is no F in Way.

Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse more...

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude.(Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide more...

Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy...but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse more...

One night a little boy was left alone at home for the weekend. Before leaving his mother told him, "if you get scared put your hand under bed and let the dog lick your hand. Then you will know you are safe."
So during the night the little boy heard a drip drip drip sound. He got very scared and put his hand under his bed and his dog leicked his hand. He then felt better.
A little later he heard the drip drip drip sound again. The boy once again put his hand under his bed and allowd his dog to lick it. He then felt safe.
About five minutes later the little boy heard the drip drip drip sound once again. Instead of putting his hand under his bed he got up and went and looked in the bathroom. There was no noise in there, so he headed for the kitchen. Once he was in there he looked over at the sink and it wasn't dripping. So he went in the laundry room, and there was his dog hung, blood dripping drip drip drip. Makes you wonder what was licking the boy's hand.

A Pregnant Lady went to an Astrologer…

Astrologer: When you deliver the baby, baby’s father will die..

Lady”: Thank God, My Husband is Safe!!!