Safety Jokes / Recent Jokes

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls
into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and
get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs
to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's
Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse,
and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled
to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse
said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over
the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my' thingy' and pull
yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't
need a more...

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not more...

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he more...

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but
the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the
other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched
over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull
yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes!

one day, there were 3 brave men that wanted to see who was the bravest of them. they all stayed one night in a haunted house, to see who was the bravest. the 1st one went to the 3rd floor and heard "we are the pirates of the carribean sea!" he got scared and jumped out the window to safety.[not so brave, huh? ] the 2nd one went to the 2nd floor and heard the same thing. "We are the pirates of the carribean sea." he got scared too, so he jumped out to safety. the bravest one, heard it on the 1st floor more louder. "WE are the pirates of the carribean sea!" he went closer and closer to a bathroom. he went in and found the toilet seat open. when he looked in, there were 3 ants floating on a piece of poo going "WE are the pirates of the carribean sea!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To more...