Safety Jokes / Recent Jokes

This was part of a thread about administration of CPR and potential legal liability on a mountain biking list that I subscribe to. I have not read the original article.
A MODEST PROPOSAL:
Appearing the San Jose Mercury News Friday, November 4, 1994.
The following missive, by Lawrence A. Bullis of Phoenix to the Arizona Republic, was reprinted in Harper's:
"Every day some new do-gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem is that we need accidents, and lots of them."
"Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents..."
"With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are devolving into half-witted mutants, because idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more more...

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide." Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried. more...

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" more...

A fire official was giving a fire safety seminar to a group of factory employees. Demonstrating the proper way to operate an extinguisher, he told the group, “”Pull the pin like a hand grenade, then depress the trigger to release the foam. ”
Later, he selected a blonde female employee to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. Standing with the extinguisher in her hands, she was so nervous that she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember? ”
In a burst of confidence, she pulled the pin and hurled the extinguisher into the blaze.

This will warm your heart, just when you have lost faith in human kindness....
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna Walters

Some idiot gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning.

Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The head idiot gangster says' Okay, well, at least we can eat it.' So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding.

They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said' Well, at least they left something for us to eat.'

The next day, while listening to the more...

When operating a firearm, safety is paramount. Here are some tips to reduce the risk of mishaps:
Instill in your children a healthy fear of guns by drunkenly waving one in their faces whenever you've had a few too many.
If you shoot yourself in the foot, immediately contact a therapist to help you confront your fear of success.
Dismantle your gun and melt it into a plowshare.
Have spouse and children wear blaze orange and shout, "Family coming through!" when moving from room to room in your home.
Unload gun each night by firing into ceiling, counting each bullet in screamed German.
Store your gun at least four feet from your liquor cabinet.
Never let your child play with a gun that is loaded.
Stress to your children that guns are only for shooting bad people. Make sure they know the difference between good and bad people by having them name examples of each from their daily lives.
Boil your bullets to prevent transmitting germs to people more...