Safety Jokes / Recent Jokes
To Whom It May Concern:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that
the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time-unless I
install handrails or safety straps.
As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and
wait your turn.
Thank You.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish.
He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.
For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest more...
A friend of mine was learning how to fly (a plane, obviously) and asked his instructor the safety benefits of a twin engine aircraft. His reply:-"If one engine fails, the other takes you to the scene of the accident."
SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS. READ AND SAVE THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
WARNING: The following basic safety precautions should always be followed to reduce the risk of fire, shock and personal injury.
Check the voltage on the nameplate.
Implies check the face to see if all is OK
Keep the work place clean.
Which means, ensure there are no knifes, blades or other objects within reach. These invite injuries to the tool (e.g Bobbitization), or to the personnel.
Consider the work environment.
Keep the area well lit (Unfortunately 90% of the time tool is used in dark)
Keep children away.
Before operating the tool make sure that the children are fast asleep.
Store the tool.
When not in use, store the tool in a dry place away from children's reach.
Do not force the tool.
The tool will do its job better and safer at a rate for which it is intended. Do not overwork the tool.
Use the right tool.
When the job is big and the tool is small then change the more...
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.
This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to
Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off,
owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.
This is flight one two six flight to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!
Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination.
(I presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!)
For the ones that don't quiet make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our
Stewardesses Bubbly and Goldie will be happy to brief you on more...