Saint Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

THREE people from different parts of the country passed away at the same time. They all went up to heaven and were met at the gate by Saint Peter. The first person was an architect. "I'd like to come in, please," he told the saint.
"All in good time," replied Saint Peter. "But first you have to pass one small test. You have to spell'God.' "
"Oh, that's easy. . . G-o-d," he said.
"Very good, very good," said Saint Peter. "Come on in."
The second person to approach was a rancher. "I'd sure like to enter," he said.
"All in good time," replied Saint Peter. "But first you have to pass a little test. All you have to do is spell'God.' "
"Simple," said the man. "G-o- d."
"Very good, you can come in."
Then the third person, an attractive businesswoman, approached.
"I'd like to enter, please."
"Well," said more...

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are? ” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk? ” Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein! ” he says. “Welcome to heaven! ” The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk? ” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead. ” Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! ” he says. “Come on in! ” Then Saint Peter looks up and more...

Two nuns and a mother superior had a fatal accident and died and all three arrived at Heaven's door,
Saint Peter was at the entrance to greet the three nuns and mother superior introduced herself and the other two to saint Peter.
Saint Peter said,"well ladies we have a system here, you'll have to answer a question each before I can let you in"
Nuns and mother superior agreed.
Saint Peter asked the 1st nun "Who was the first man on earth?"
Nun said "adam",
saint Peter said, "You are in"
asked the 2nd nun "Who was the 1st woman on earth?"
nun said,"Eve".
St. Peter said," you are in".
Mother superior came forward, St Peter said "well you were holding a higher post and I will have to ask you a hard question"
"When Eve saw adam standing bollock nacked in front of Eve what did she tell him?"

Mother superior wanted to express the more...

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.""Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"