Saint Jokes / Recent Jokes

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect. Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed more...

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!"
He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.
They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".
They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter.
Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound."
They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in more...

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!"He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter.Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound."They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room."Oh, those more...

By Ogden Nash
In Baltimore there lived a boy,
He wasn't anybody's joy.
Although his name was Jabez Dawes,
His character was full of flaws.
In school he never led his classes,
He hid old ladies' reading glasses,
His mouth was open when he chewed,
And elbows to the table glued.
He stole the milk of hungry kittens,
And walked through doors marked No Admittance.
He said he acted thus because
There wasn't any Santa Claus.
Another trick that tickled Jabez
Was crying "Boo!" at little babies.
He brushed his teeth, they said in town,
Sideways instead of up and down.
Yet people pardoned every sin,
And viewed his antics with a grin,
Till they were told by Jabez Dawes,
"There isn't any Santa Claus!"
Deploring how he did behave,
His parents swiftly sought their grave.
They hurried through the portals pearly,
And Jabez left the funeral early.
Like whooping cough, from child to more...

Ever wondered what heaven looks like?
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, more...

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT
December 17, 1998
'Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.
The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.
With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about more...

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:' Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

' Yes,' the professor ansvered.' When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

' Well,' said the gatekeeper.' That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

' Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.

' Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper.' He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'