Sample Jokes / Recent Jokes
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
adenoids... (n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool. antacid... (n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz. bowel... (n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why? bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked. catscan... (v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this) cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous) d & c... (n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live. emema... (n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how fester... (n) yer unkles name (mos likelee) genital... (n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee heart... (v) when u cauz pain to some1 hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter mamogram... (n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female papsmear... (v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy recovery... (n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur rectum... (v) whut happenz when yew drive more...
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be more...
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.It will be better in two weeks.That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.He decided to give it more...
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red' bout in skool. antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz. bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why? bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked. catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this) cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous) d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live. emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee) genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1 hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur more...
A 76 year old man went to the doctor for a sperm count. The doctor gave him a jar with a lid on it and told the old man to bring him back a sample.
The man returned in about three hours with an empty jar. The doc looked at him and said, "Where's the sample?"
The old man looked at the doc and said, "Well, it's like this doc. I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right hand. My wife tried with her left hand and she tried it with her right hand. She even tried it with her teeth in and her teeth out and we couldn't get the damn jar open."