Santa Jokes / Recent Jokes

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," wife said to her lazy husband, our Santa, who refused to find a job.
"My father pays our rent, my mother buys all of our food, my sister buys our clothes, my aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
Santa rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a thing!"

A army trainer was teaching his recruits about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then Santa in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Santa, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?"
Santa replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Santa ?"
"Well," answered Santa, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked trainer impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.The announcement also included a notice that beginning December 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on more...

Banta in a very maross mood tells Santa that his buffalo is ill. He enquires from Santa, "that wasn't his buffalo also down with the same illness last year?"
Santa replies in the affirmative. Banta asks for the medication used by Santa. Santa tells him that he gave 250 gms of opium to it.
Banta goes home and gives 250 gms of opium to his ailing buffalo. The next day, he met Santa and told him that his buffalo died.
Santa tells Banta that it isn't surprising, because even his buffalo died after taking the opium.

'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard more...

Three indian soldiers, jai reddy (tamil), joy bosu (bengali), and santa Singh are captured by pakistani army. The pakistani corp commander does not want to have them as pows and has decided to execute them. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The reddy asks for a masala dosa, which he is served and then taken away.

The boss requests a machli bhath, which he is served and also taken away.

Santa requests sarson ka saag and makki di roti. The captors are surprised and reply ‘ sarson? ’

‘yes, sarson. ’

‘arre sarson to is season mein aati nahin hai! ’

‘koi gall nahin. Asee intezaar karanga…’

Santa, Banta, and one of their friend, Sunny, tried out for the same job as road stripers. The employer told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day Sunny head had painted 4 miles, Banta had painted 3.5 miles, and Santa had painted 10 miles. The employer was so exited he told Santa to keep it up and the job was his.
The next day the Sunny painted 6 miles, Banta 7 miles, and Santa 5 miles. The employer told Santa not to worry, you still have a good lead.
So, on the third day Sunny had painted 7 miles, Banta 8 miles, and Santa only two miles.
The employer was so disappointed, he asked Santa, "What went wrong, you were doing so good?"
Santa said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."