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This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Don't worry, I am going to save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause). So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru' the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders more...
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah."Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had more...
It would save me a lot of time if my supermarket had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap".
George was a pious man who prided himself in putting all his trust in God. One day a terrible storm hit.& The whole community was told to evacuate because of the danger from the nearby river. The police went from house to houe telling people to leave. George just said, "God will protect me." The storm got worse and worse.& The water began to rise.& & Afraid the dam would break, George climbed up onto his roof. The dam did break.& Soon the waters were rising even higher. A rescue boat finally worked its way out to him, "Hop in, buddy," they shouted over the roar of the water. "God will save me." Authorities were really concerned now.& They sent a helicopter to take him off the roof. Again he refused. The waters finally swept him away. When he came to the gates of heaven he was stunned to find that he had died. "Why didn`t God save me?" "What do you mean?& What more did you want? "He send the police, a boat, and a helicopter!"a
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: You don’t know how? Good!
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.
Q: What’s the difference between more...
A Scotsman left on a long trip across the country, taking a train the entire length of the line. At each station along the way, he insisted that he had to get off of the train to buy a new ticket. He chose to not buy a ticket to his final destination, but just one to take him to the next stop on the line.
After watching this go on for several hours, another passenger asked, "Why are you buying all of these individual tickets, man? Why not just save yourself time and money and just get one ticket for the rest of your trip? You'd save 25%."
The Scotsman scowled at the very idea, and darkly replied, "My doctor told me that I am not long for this world. I don't plan to waste any of my money on train tickets I may not use while I am here!"
And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get more...